Friday 28 June 2013

Death Song

A shade lurking
Not in past
Your future coming
Cherish your last
I plague this earth
Since time dearth
As a sly sloth
A bothersome moth
You owe me a dime
A dime of nine
A dime in time
A dime forever mine
No man no beast
Nor kings in the East
Lived through my treacherous claim
Escaped my terrible name.

Tuesday 25 June 2013

Day 37

I do not know if today is the thirty-seventh day. I do not know if I have counted upto thirty-seven or I am counting down and I have reached 37. I am not a big fan of counting days.
The numbers either represent the days I have tried not being myself or the days I have to wait to be. So why resist the natural order and count? Why do I try to unbalance my reality?

Maybe its the undermining self-belief that I am a far cry from perfection.
Or a subtle sign of my insecurities.

I am myself.
I am as proud as I'm arrogant. And egoistic. I despise losing and everyday life is a battle. I tear up when I'm sad. I'm filled with rage when angry. I procrastinate more on days I shouldn't.  I make promises to myself everyday, which I seldom keep. I cannot find order. I am messed up.
I embody the seven deadly sins, I might be the eighth. 
I have been moulded so and cast to be.
I am myself and will be.

Note : This was an attempt to create something random. A post from a name. I wonder if it makes sense at all. Ah! One of my early morning attempts to escape boredom on the way to work.
And of course to catalog my thought process at the not-so-young-but-matured age of twenty-three.

Thursday 13 June 2013

Lavender

That girl in the bus.
She took the last unoccupied seat, the one in front of mine. She looked at me, I stared back. We spoke through our silent stare, mine asking her name and hers asking me to shove off. I sensed that i might not have been the first to acknowledge her presence, and that i wouldn't be the last.
So we begin our journey together from Point A to B. The only obvious contradiction in the plan was that i was expected at Point C. She would alight at Point B, i wondered if i should change my Point C to Point B.
I watched her look out of the window trying to keep track of the places along. I saw that she had red ear plugs muffling my heart's screams with a genre of music which I would never know. She had brown hair, the wavy sort, trying to cover her face with the wind. I remember the sunlight filtering through her hair, it justified her image i was busy creating in my head.
I kept looking, hoping that she would turn any minute and talk to me. I wondered if she'd ask my name, if my name was good enough to be asked. I promised to myself that i would not call her for 3 days, if i got her number. I tried hard to think of a quirky conversation starter, i was never really good at starting a conversation.
I heard her hymn a familiar tune, and i knew it then that the same almost-got-it tune which would haunt me forever.
I saw a tattoo sneak a peek at me from her back. It was a part of something strange, it gave her an air of mysticity.
She had Brown hair, Red ear plugs, a part-butterfly looking tattoo, a yellow bag and an eye colour that i would find hard to recollect later. That was all i knew about this person sitting right ahead of me in a bus filled with people who had more detailing features to offer.
I looked outside the window as this enchanted bus came to a halt. I saw a tree on the other side of the road with bright lavender coloured flowers. The flowers highlighting the tree in all its glory. I felt happiness seeping into me. With a gradual motion the bus started moving again. I turned away, shifting my gaze from the tree which was now moving past to the person I was longing to speak to, but she wasn't there.
She had got off at her Point B, and I had missed my point C.

I would travel by the same bus sitting at the same seat for many days to come, but I wouldn't see her again. I wondered if she would have looked back that day before she got off hoping to catch my name or tell me hers. I wished the tree was never there, but every journey I took from A to C reminded me it was very much there.

And then one day, many months later, I saw her again.
She got on at Point A. She smiled, I sat there dumbstruck. I noticed the exact same features that had become so familiar now. It was me and her slowly inching towards the lavender tree. I promised myself that i would not look away this time, but accept Point B as my Point C. Time stood still as the same tune played in my head again, I wouldn't remember it this time either.
The bus stopped at Point B/C. She got up to get off, I had my heart in my mouth. She went to the door, and ever so effortlessly she turned back.
She had brown wavy hair, and an innocent face. She looked at me as though she had been planning for this moment for a while. She raised her eyebrows, smiled and hinted towards the door.

I smiled.

Many years later, I took the Bus again. Youth was in my past and Old-age a distant future.
I waited for Point B as I tried to remember the first day I met her.
My hair was Oiled and combed to perfection, hers was messy and allover in the wind. I had freckled skin, hers was clear as the cloudless sky. I wore spectacles and she was the spectacle to see.
I got off at Point B. I crossed the road and went over to the tree. I sat on a bench by the tree and wondered, whatsoever happened to that girl who had made this place so familiar to me. The girl who had brown hair, maybe a butterfly tattoo and an innocent smile.
The Girl who bought a smile on my face with every passing thought.
That Girl whose name echoed "Lavender" to me.

Tuesday 11 June 2013

Big bang

And I wait. I sit on the Brown stripped comfortable sofa in my father's office. He seems busy. I wait for Mr. X. He is one of my father's colleagues. Young and just into the service. I wait to learn if he holds the magical spell that is going to change my life forever. I wonder if today is the day it begins. If today is the big bang I have been waiting all along for.

Monday 10 June 2013

Village bard

  Its only words,                    
And words are all I have,
To take your heart away.
These lines play in my head over and over again. A song long forgotten by its masters. I hide beneath this song, for it makes more sense to me now than before.
I am seated in the last seat of the 40A route bus. I look out and see the world go about its daily routine. People going places, Places meeting new people. I am  apprehensive of the person I'm sharing my two seater with. I do not like strangers getting too close to me.  And she switched places, I spread my legs and hog the seat again.
It is a bright beautiful day, a Monday. I sense bangalore's morning yawn, I too contribute to it. My bus snaking its way through the undergrowth. A Sea of people in rectangular boxes engulfs 40A, we wait for the signal to turn Green.
I continue to stare at the world passing by through the dust strewn eyes of the bus. I see the exact same places I have been seeing for the past 23 years pass by, with the exact same curiosity. I am stuck here. I have grown roots into the undergrowth, I am part of it now. This city has been my life so far, I feel it's trying to consume me. I want to escape. My 40A is stuck too, on a road too narrow for giants together. Slowly its master trying to untangle the knots. And we're free again.
I talk too much. I am the village bard. I sing along about the merry times and make valiant plans. But I'm too drunk to live it up. A drunken stupor that I call life, too intoxicated to walk. Will I ever make it? Self doubt hangs around my neck, a dead weight.
Give me an hour each day
The guitar I shall play
One of the many promises I make to myself. When will I ever stop.
My bus continues to haunt smaller streets, and I myself. Do ghosts ever feel haunted?
I shall stop now.
Stop.

Saturday 8 June 2013

The will and the want

I unplug my ear plugs. I pause audioslave to listen to the city breathe. The weather God's seem to be smiling at us today. Masons going to work,  vendors setting up shops and software engineers unplugging ear plugs. The day has begun with the chilly winds and the stale garbage smell. How do I make this day any special? I want to do something drastic. Something that would make me escape the system,  even for a little while atleast.
The want always high,  the will not so much.
Today is going to be different. I will make it so.

Sunday 2 June 2013

Lucifer

You were cast out,
Fallen among elite,
On to this earth
that was once paradise

You had frailties,
So did our fathers and their's
You were proud
so am i and my sons shall be;

You had a choice,
and you chose wrong
with gods above
and men below

You dint bow,
not to man or Gods above,
You live now
among us in our shadow

Why Lucifer? The fallen one.
Why did he choose you?
Why did you choose us?

And now - millennia apart
You're still here - fighting
A God with a forgotten enemy
An Enemy, a Forgotten God.